From the Office of
 the Managing Director

(From "a View From Rock Eddy Bluff")

 Every negative contains within it something positive.  Take junk mail!

            I once thought extreme measures were needed to combat the outbreak of unsolicited mail arriving at our mailbox.  The flow of trash delivered by Jerry, our rural mailman, once a moderate inconvenience, had become a deluge once we opened our rural vacation retreat and bed and breakfast business.  In desperation I considered moving a large trash barrel up the half-mile lane to sit beside our mailbox, thus streamlining our mail handling.

            I had already given up hope on my first and preferred option, simply returning all junk mail to its sender.  The US Post Office had early-on informed me that such a solution was impossible, that once that giant corporate mailroom decided that I should have a unsolicited bundle of papers, stickers and slick card stock, then it was my duty as an American to accept it.  Not only that, it was to become my responsibility!

            Nix Nix too on my second preferred option: ignoring the junk mail.  Just leave it until the mail box becomes stuffed with papers.  Or, simply remove the junk from the sanctity of your mailbox to lie in the dirt.  “Don’t blame me for all that litter, blame Publisher’s Clearing House.  They are responsible!”  Or I’d plead, “my name isn’t Postal Patron.  You need to find that guy – whoever he is -- and lock him up for all this windblown litter.”

            Won’t work!  The stuff is yours now and you must deal with it.

Then one day I began noticing who the junk mail was addressed to.  I was amazed!  I found that Kathy and I had undergone a transfiguration.  Somehow we had acquired more stature, more standing in the great world of  “bidness.”  Suddenly we had been transformed from “Current Resident” to exalted positions, such as “Manager of Buildings and Grounds,” or “The Office of Human Resource Development at Rock Eddy Bluff Farm.”  Perhaps twice a month I was invited by  the Office of Managing Director to be listed among other notables in “Who’s Who on Dirt Roads.”

Was it confusion?  Had the companies who exude junk mail into the nation’s mail system somehow confused our two-person business with giants such as General Motors?  That couldn’t be it.  No, there was another, craftier, reason for our new titles.  It’s this: you can simply never go wrong by elevating your quarry to a loftier position than they actually hold.  As proof I offer my absolute observation that I have never received any mail whatsoever, addressed to my actual job title, “Room Cleaner and Toilet Washer,” or even “Worker.”

      It’s an old trick in business – if you can’t raise an employee’s pay, raise his title.  Mailroom clerks become Communications Specialists instantly.  Sewer workers become Sanitation Technicians.  While it doesn’t help pay the bills, the company figures it will foster pride, and besides, if the employee changed jobs he might suffer a “cut in title!”

            So, the thought stuck me:  Since I am in charge of half of all employees at our  business (Kathy is in charge of the other half) then it is my responsibility to assign half of the job titles.  Kathy saw the possibilities also, and before long we were gaily creating wonderful new job titles.

  We’ve met our employees and they are us!   Here are a few of them: 

  Concierge at Rock Eddy Bluff Farm. As everyone knows, concierge is a dressed up title for “step and fetch it.”  That’s us!  We greet people, we get them settled, we see to their needs.  It’s a great job and we get to meet wonderful people.   But there are some rules.  One of them:  Never call the lady guest “Misses!”

  Manager of Equine and Canine Operations.    We find that folks at our place enjoy contact with animals.  We often discover them at the barn talking sweetly to our horses as if they were small children.  Invariably after returning from a ride in the spring wagon, guests approach our buggy horse, “Mister Big” and offer their apologies in case their ride has caused him any discomfort.  We’ve noticed, too, that our dogs: Irene, Stinky and Laura stage little productions for arriving guests.  (“Showing off” we call it!) 
            In all, animals are so important in our business that we have created a more respectable title for what had been “barn cleaner,” and “wagon driver.”

     Executive Jello Chef.  We didn’t realize how important this job was until we discovered we had introduced our French friend, Philippe, to dietetic Jello.  It was his first contact with the jiggly desert and to his credit he didn’t spit it out.  Poor Philippe,  he stayed with us the very week we began our diet with Weight Watchers.  We visit him next year and I suspect he has been plotting revenge.

   Chief of Protocol  (COP).  Things are a little different nowadays. People try to confuse you and you have to keep a level head.  For example, one of our lively guests and her husband booked a weekend at one of our cottages.  Next month  here she comes with a new guy.  “The first one wasn’t really my husband,” she explained.  
      More women choosing to keep their own last names makes fertile ground for faux pas.  Until we hired the present COP, our faces were routinely red. “The first rule,” explains the Rock Eddy  COP, “is assume nothing!”  “Catch yourself before you say it!  Play dumb!  Get the lay of the land first!"  
     A mom booked a few days on one of our cottages.  So, what would you assume about this “family” of five?  Remember the don’t assume  rule!   Here was the actual composition:  Daughter (17), Dad and his new wife (who kept her own last name) from the west coast, and Mom and Mom’s partner “Ellen” arriving from the east coast.  
    Good thing our Chief of Protocol was at his post!  We all had a great time together!  

Vice President for International Operations.  Well, it isn’t much of a job but it sure sounds important.  Actually, our presence on the Internet has increased the number of guests from foreign countries. Visitors to our site are now able to read a couple of our pages in conversational French.  (Just click on the French flag.)

 Director for Extraterrestrial and Paranormal Phenomenon.  OK, this is also one of those small, secondary jobs.  But strange things happen and you must keep abreast of them.  One couple, after they had been guests for a day or so, announced casually that they had been abducted by aliens on several occasions.  “Beamed up,” I think they said.   While aboard the spaceship they had undergone operations by alien surgeons.  They had scars.  Wanna see em?   They were wonderful folks and we had a great time together.  
            But I think you can see why we cannot simply leave this slot unfilled.

  The possibilities are endless!  All of them positions that must be filled.  How about Manager of Solid Fuel Operations?  The old job was simply “wood cutter”.  An important job, since camp fires and  fireplaces are an important element in guest’s experience at Rock Eddy Bluff.  We need volunteers!

            Then, there are Director of Sanitation,  Chaplain, V.P. in Charge of Food Service and Nutrition.   And what about Physical Plant Operations and Housekeeping?  All of these positions need to be covered!

    Remember, too, that all of  these jobs rotate so that we both get experience (and it looks great on our resumes.)   We often rotate jobs every fifteen minutes.    In fact, if someone were to barge in the door right now, demanding, “I want to speak to the Managing Director of Rock Eddy Bluff,” he would likely find Kathy and me pointing at each other.

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  Tom Corey, Communications Director, Rock Eddy Bluff Farm.  On the web at:  http://www. rockeddy.com